GIFTS OF HOSPITALITY
September 2005
article for the Collect, publication for St. Thomas Episcopal Church,
Medina, WA
I met my best friend in 1979. Travis was going into first grade, and I was heading into second. Our parents introduced us in the town square, and we immediately made the Star Wars connection.
Some of you probably read my Star Wars article in Episcopal Voice, so I won’t go into detail about that particular obsession. But while Star Wars was the entryway into my friendship with Travis and the topic of our everyday play, it wasn’t the extent of our relationship. We became inseparable. One of us was constantly spending the night at the other’s house. Trav stuck with me during my junior high awkwardness, when I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked me if we were just meeting. We developed a history, and Trav was loyal to that history.
Looking back, I realize that Trav was hospitable to me from the start. After our meeting in the park, we didn’t see each other until school started. He saw me in the cafeteria and called me over. I had honestly forgotten about him until then, so it was Trav who initiated our friendship. He was the first person to extend his hand to me and say, in essence, “Let’s be friends.”
When you’re a kid, this can happen pretty effortlessly. Kids haven’t yet become self-doubting creatures. Once you hit junior high and high school, this gets more difficult. Your friends are more likely to be people you “hang out with,” since you don’t “play” in the same way anymore. When my family moved away and I had to leave Trav behind, my Star Wars era was behind me and my pop music era had begun. Sure, you can listen to music with other boys, but what else can you do? Stare at each other? I never liked sports, so I lost what seemed the only option for making friends at 13.
When I was 21, I moved to Seattle and joined Saint Mark’s Cathedral. A few of us young adults found each other and decided to start a Young Adults Group. The four of us who led the group over the years learned a lot about hospitality. We were always trying to be open to new people, but we found that our group had a tendency to shut people out. It wasn’t intentional; it’s just that we got to know each other really well, and before long, all the jokes became inside jokes. I learned to always watch the newest person and invite that person in further.
Hospitality doesn’t just happen. It is an intentional process marked by thoughtfulness, empathy, and an eagerness to meet new people. I have come to realize that I’m a “community junkie”: I’ll always be making connections with new people. I do this on the bus, at church, at parties, and everywhere else in life.
I’m not as good at the more subtle forms of hospitality. If I’m throwing a party, I don’t think to arrange the cookies on a plate. My wife Christy has to put flowers on the table, because that would never occur to me. And since I’m not a coffee drinker, I’ve never learned to make coffee for other people. But this other form of hospitality is also important: creating a welcoming space.
Christy and I made a realization recently: we’re good at different forms of hospitality. I’m always looking for the new people, making sure they feel welcome. Christy is good at maintaining our existing friendships. Both aspects are necessary for a hospitable lifestyle, so I’m glad we complement each other.
It takes effort to invite people in. First you have to extend a hand and say, “Let’s be friends,” because it’s not safe to assume. Then you have to work to maintain that relationship. In a large community like St. Thomas, it’s important to figure out what kind of hospitality you do best, and then do it well. Anyone with organizational skills can keep track of newcomers, but I’m impressed with the way Phyllis Ross genuinely invites newcomers into our community.
So what’s your gift of hospitality? Can you keep track of people’s interests and help them make connections with other people? Do you think to put cookies on a plate and flowers on the table? Do you watch out for inside jokes and make sure nobody feels left out? Or are you a steady, solid friend, always loyal to the history of your friendships? St. Thomas can use all these gifts and more.